There are so many different preferences when it comes to swinging. In fact, some don’t even use the term swinging, preferring more current terms like “consensual non-monogamy” or simply the “Lifestyle”.
Whatever you call it, there is no one right way to play when you choose non-monogamy. Each couple (or single) needs to navigate their own unique outlook and determine what works best for them personally, and for their relationship. My husband and I have been at this for quite a while (since the early 1990s) and we’ve tried quite a few different variations. Each with varying success rates. I thought it might be fun to look back and share with you some of our experiences. Results not typical —- in other words, this isn’t a post to tell you which swinging manifestations work best; it’s more meant to show that just because you had one bad experience, doesn’t mean that you won’t like something else way better. I also don’t pretend that this is an all inclusive list of options; not even close!! If you’d like to share your experiences, feel free to leave a comment.
Together Same Room/Separate Beds:
This has most typically happened for us in a hotel room situation where there are two beds. Pretty standard “wife-swapping” start to finish. You might like this type of situation if you enjoy seeing and hearing your partner while they have sex. Being in the same room allows for you to have a quick way of communicating with your partner if you want to slow things down or stop all together. This is also fun if you enjoy performing for your husband or wife. Most beneficial if there is a nice 4-way connection and everyone feels pretty comfortable together. The main thing I don’t like about this type of situation is that I tend to over think and end up spending more time worrying about everyone else’s fun instead of just immersing myself in my own experience. Also, not so good for competitive couples who will end up trying to make sure they aren’t the ones to “finish first”.
Together Same Room/Same Bed:
Personally we’ve only had this type of experience a couple times. I’m defining this as a 4-some only. (I’ll talk about larger groups a bit further down the page.) This can be an incredibly erotic experience for everyone involved. Being close to your husband or wife while you are each also enjoying another person can create intensely intimate feelings. Sharing the bed with another couple allows for more fluidity in positions and variety in pairings and triplings, while still keeping everyone close at hand. For us, it was a good experience because we had a very high comfort level with the other couple and felt close to them emotionally, in addition to the physical attraction. This is a really fun opportunity to watch your play partner be loving and intimate with their spouse. You can learn a lot about another couple by watching how they interact sexually when they are together. This might not your favorite scenario if you are worried about jealousy. Sometimes being *that* up close and personal with your partner’s swinging activities can be overwhelming.
Together / Separate Rooms:
This is when you both play at the same time, but you are in separate rooms either at a house or a hotel. There can be some flexibility here in regard to how much you can hear your partner, depending on how close the rooms are and whether doors are kept open or closed. We love the freedom we experience in this type of situation. Separate rooms allows you to be fully engaged in what’s happening between you and your playmate. There is no pressure or competition to perform or not perform based on anything else happening in the room. Some choose to play this way because they worry that they would be way too uncomfortable to see their spouse playing with someone else. Others decide they don’t want to play this way because they want to know what’s happening at all times in order to feel 100% comfortable. You may decide to talk about rules as a foursome before splitting up, so that everyone is on the same page and boundaries are crystal clear. We’ve had some hurt feelings in this situation when hubby ends up taking longer than my partner. (Hurt feelings weren’t mine, but the guy I was playing with who ended up getting jealous when his gal was still going at it.)
Threesome – FMF:
Like so many couples, the FMF threesome was our very first swinging experience. This is often referred to as the ultimate male fantasy. In my personal opinion, there is a slight difference between an FMF and and MFF. In the first, the women don’t “play” together, instead focusing all their attention on the man. In the second, there is play between the women as well as the man playing with both women. In some cases, the man may want to spend most of his time watching while the women play with each other. One of the most obvious benefits for this style is the option for bi-sexual play between the women, and the ultimate fantasy fulfillment for the man. Cons: I suppose if a woman tends to be jealous or uncomfortable when she sees her man up close and personal with another, this type of play might not be super enjoyable. Unfortunately for hubby, I very rarely engage in this type of play. Personally I’d rather be the center of attention in the next scenario; cause I’m a naughty girl that way. 😉
Threesome – MFM:
This is one of my personal faves! I mean really, what’s not to like? Two boys, two cocks, and double the attention! One of my fantasies would be to have the similar, but slightly variant MMF, acting as a bit of a voyeur while two bi-sexual men enjoy me and each other. For some couples, this becomes cuckold play, which basically means that husband and wife get off on the idea of another man fucking her harder and better than he can. I honestly just know that I can come up with any cons for this one because I absolutely love it so much. Hubby is sometimes a watcher and sometimes a joiner. Both make for an incredible experience. I suppose the main thing about this that might not appeal to couples is the level of “unfairness” implied because the man “doesn’t get to play”. Obviously not an issue for us. 😉
Same Room Sex / Group:
This is slightly different than an all-out orgy (see below). One of the first house parties hubby and I attended was with a group of folks who were very comfortable with each other. A few hours into the night, they started taking off their clothes and disappearing into the hosts’ bedroom. Hubby and I walked back to the room to watch for a bit and measure our comfort level. There were maybe 5 or 6 people on the bed, maybe 2 couples on the floor, and one in the sex swing. It was a pretty incredible scene, but we weren’t quite ready to jump right in. Instead, I invited my husband to an empty spot on the floor on the far side of the bed. We started kissing and had sex with each other on the floor. It was a nice way to ease ourselves into “group sex” while staying within our comfort zone. This can be a very erotic way to start testing the waters with swinging. Many years ago I remember sharing a hotel room with some vanilla friends and hearing them have sex in the night turned me on so much that we started having sex too. I could sense that our lovemaking was making her even more excited as well because her moans became more and more pronounced. Nobody said anything about it in the morning, so I can’t be sure, but I found it very, very erotic!
Same Room Sex / Orgy:
We’ve never done the giant pile-on orgy with multiple couples playing and touching without “coupling up”. If you like the full on hedonism of sensual pleasure, this might be your cup of tea. I think you’d have to either have a really tight close group of friends or be able to focus on the physical pleasure itself without worrying about who might be giving it to you. I’m not an expert in this type of play at all, but I think one positive to this would be that it seems to lend itself more toward an anonymous, no strings attached type encounter, which could be fun once in a while. If this is your preferred style of play, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below! Or if you’ve tried this and didn’t like it, what do you think made it undesirable for you?
House Party Play:
Usually at house parties, play happens in bedrooms that the hosts have defined as available for playing. The playroom might be used by 2, 3, 4 or more people at a time. Play at a house party might take on the elements of any other type of play: 4somes, 3somes, group play, etc. I choose to list it separately because I think it’s a pretty fun, fluid way to have play that varies with a few different partners throughout the night. For example, you might decide to kiss and have some light petting with a guy in the hot tub, then later spend some time playing with a couple as their sexual special guest star. What I want to communicate about having fun at house parties is that it’s important to be open to new experiences and to have absolutely no expectations. We’ve attended house parties where just one of us played, where both of us played, but completely separately from each other, and parties where we both play together. Keeping score or wondering whether your spouse is having more sex than you is no fun, so be prepared to go with the flow. One of my favorite house party experiences was having an acquaintance get me off with my Hitachi Magic Wand on the living room couch while the rest of the party was outside around the fire. When we were finished, I got a lot of praise for my loud orgasms that could be heard out on the lawn. 🙂 House parties are really fun if you are an exhibitionist or a voyeur!
We are probably about 75% separate daters at this point in our experience. It started when my husband had a really strong connection with a married woman, but I just wasn’t getting the right vibe from her husband. I liked them as a couple, but things just weren’t working when it came time to play naughty. I didn’t want to play with him again, but I knew how much hubby and his friend enjoyed each other. It was a pretty easy jump for me to allow separate dating. For hubby, it was a little more difficult, but he’s mostly 100% fine with it now. Pros: You get to play with who you want, when you want, and how you want. Scheduling is way easier! Cons: Equality can be an issue if one of you is getting more action or interest than the other. Personally I think this is something that both people need to work on and just get over. Sometimes you’re the one getting more sex and sometimes you’re the one sitting home considering a religious conversion to celibacy. Either way, you just gotta get okay with some uneven playtime.
This doesn’t necessarily have to involve sex at all. We’ve coined this phrase for when we are out with another couple and our evening involves driving from one location to another. During a car swap, you get to have some one-on-one time with the other partner to talk, flirt, kiss, or whatever else seems like a fun way to spend a short (or long) drive. We very, very much like to car swap for long or short drives and just for some end-of-evening making out.
What’s your favorite play style? What do you like about it? Have you had rotten experiences? What about them didn’t you like? Did I miss something entirely? Tell me how you like to play! This post is over 2000 words, which just goes to show that the variety in swinging extends beyond just partners to style. Just because you don’t think you’ll like a certain type of play doesn’t mean that another won’t be absolutely wonderful for you!
Image Credit: Anya Uribe / Deviant Art – Used by Permission