Welcome to SabrinaSwings!

I am a happily married swinger in suburban Minneapolis. My husband and I have been married for 20+ years and exploring various aspects of consensual non-monogamy since the beginning. Sabrina Swings is the place where I share our experiences. The blog is part true erotic swinging stories, but mostly philosophical discussions of some of the lifestyle's most common questions. How do I get into swinging? How do I talk my spouse into swinging? How do I know if I should swing? Do swingers get jealous? How often do swingers have sex? Where can I find a swinging playmate? Hope you enjoy!

Small World of Swinging

 Posted by on 29 April 2012
Apr 292012
 

The Lifestyle scene can be a very small world.  We had taken a pretty significant break from attending parties (maybe about 18 months), so I had kind of forgotten what it’s like.  In the Twin Cities, there are a handful of groups hosting events on a pretty regular basis.  Some are weekly, some monthly, some slightly less often.  When you start attending these events with any regularity, you begin to see the same people over and over.  This has both pros and cons.

Let’s start with some pros:

Personally, I like to get to know people a bit before jumping in the sack with them.  One reason is simply safety and comfort.  Because my husband and I play separately (as well as together), I don’t want to be alone with a guy until I am confident that he will respect me, take care of me, and let me leave or stop anytime I want to.  Thankfully I have never been in a scary situation where I felt unsafe.

Sometimes familiarity breeds attraction.  Getting to know people for who they are on the inside often makes the desire to fuck them grow over time.   Likewise, it can sometimes save you from fucking someone that you will regret later.

Building anticipation!  In my opinion, flirting, kissing, and making out is the best part about non-monogamy.  Okay, well maybe not THE best part, but a pretty damn fun and important part.  Let’s just say, I could probably do the Lifestyle without fucking, but I am confident I couldn’t do it without kissing and flirtation.  When you don’t fuck someone the first time you meet them, you build an intense desire that is very exciting and fun!

On the flip side, however, is the difficulty that this constant mash-up of potential playmates can create.

It sometimes gets weird when the people you used to sleep with are hanging out with the people you want to sleep with.  Playtime relationships are fluid and constantly changing.  That’s a fact that we all understand in the Lifestyle.  But it can still sting a little when you see one of your former favorites focusing on a hot, new potential playmate.

We were at an event in February with BF and his wife.  There was another couple in attendance who we had also recently met and played with a couple times (Mr and Mrs Chillfactor).  At one point, both MrChillFactor and BF made comments about my ass and how good it looks from behind.  It was a bit like a pissing match, with both of them looking at me as if to say:  “He’s seen your ass from behind??”   Admittedly, that part can be a little fun, but it’s also slightly uncomfortable.

The one thing I hate the most, and the impetus for this blog entry, is when someone makes rude or disparaging remarks about another person.  There are various ways this happens.  Sometimes people don’t realize they are talking about someone you know.  They look across the room and say something stupid or insulting about someone they see.  People get apologetic very quickly when you tell them they just dissed your friend or worse, playmate.  Sometimes people intentionally make rude comments about people in some sort of attempt to dissuade you from sleeping with them.   They’ll typically say something like, “You can do so much better than that.”   This really pisses me off.  I am highly selective about who I call friends, and even more selective about who gets to be intimate with me.  However, this selection process is based on multiple factors.  One of those is certainly attraction,…..BUT attraction is not all (and probably not even mostly) about looks.  Unless you are specifically asked your opinion about my past, current, or potential playmates, please do not presume you know anything about whether or why I am choosing to fuck them.

This type of behavior makes me want to be a completely anti-social wallflower or avoid events altogether.  It can feel like being in a fishbowl.  When chatting with someone at a party, you can feel the eyes of those around you watching, trying to figure out whether you are currently fucking each other or just hoping to.  If you decide you want to post a naughty Hookup or Booty Call ad, you’ll have people texting you the next day to ask you how it went. (Which feels like code for……did you fuck someone you like better than me?)  Yes, this actually happens.  Even though swingers claim they don’t kiss and tell, everyone wants to know and everyone pretty much tells, or posts the pictures to prove it.

So what’s the solution?  How do we navigate this small world of intersecting relationships?  I am pretty sure the behavior I loathe stems from insecurity.  So I guess it starts with being open and honest with people about how I feel:  philosophically about non-monagamy in general, but also specifically about my relationships, whether friendship, casual hook-ups, or deeper poly-amorous leaning relationships.

  37 Responses to “Small World of Swinging”

Comments (7) Pingbacks (30)
  1.  

    You Sabrina,
    I read this post a few days ago, left to chew on it, came back to it yesterday, chewed some more, came back to it today, and I want to comment on it. I’m reminded of the cliques we (not necessarily you and I unless you lived in California) had in high school after reading your post. At some point there was always an “odd man out”; someone who was openly discussed in the group or put in a fishbowl. Usually it was the long-tail person. They were either the best and brightest or the weakest link (you seem to be more thr former than the latter, btw).
    I think in messes us up and clogs the chakras to dwell on it. It kills the spirit, saps strength, and drains the will to participate in my opinion. Gossip will always be there in some form and people will compare notes whether you took them to bed or not. What grinds about this is that it is not really about you at all. It is about them and the pissing match they are having between themselves. Imagine a piece of art and two art critics were debating it’s value, compsition, or whether it was really “art.” Their critiques are more about their values and worth and id. The art remains art regardless.
    I think you are correct in your conclusions. Honesty, cuts through the muck and mire and establishes your position and beachhead. It puts the ball in their court and forces them to make a decision on whether they value you or not.
    I’ve read through your posts and I like them. I’d hate for your writing to be affected by some pettiness and swordfighting.

    ~Joel

    •  

      First of all, let me say that I just discovered your blog and find it really interesting. I relate to most of the posts I’ve read so far. Thanks for those interesting articles. Keep them coming! Now, in regard with this particular post, I feel the exact same way. My girlfriend and I have been together for over two years. We’ve been swingers from the beginning. We met all our partners (mostly couples and a man) online or in swingers club. Since day one, we’ve been searching for a female partner without any success. Women on swingers dating sites are either old and ugly or are overwhelmed by hundreds of invitations. It’s virtually impossible to get to meet a good-looking and interesting woman that way, even though we are pretty good-looking ourselves. We also recently decided to let ourselves play separately. My girlfriend now has a lover which she met in real life. I have an occasional lover which, luckily, I managed to meet through a singles dating site. I’d like to meet other women but so far all my other online attempts were unsuccessful. As I want to be honest about my situation and not trick anyone, my profile explains how our relationship is open, that it’s ok, that there are no secrets and that we are both happy living this way. After numerous attempts at contacting women, I either get no answer or an intrigued answer from curious women who want to know more about how open-relationships can really work out but who are not interested to go further than that. The best I managed to get was a woman who accepted to go out for a drink to discuss after insisting that it would be only for a friendly discussion and that she is in no way interested in a casual relationship with an engaged man. Opening up our relationship was pretty easy. It’s finding an interesting lover that seems like an impossible task. Being engaged seems like a huge turn-off to women. It seems like it’s the only reason as I got a couple of answers that went along the line of Too bad! You’re really cute and you seem like an interesting man but I don’t date men that are in a relationship. Even though I’m not really an outgoing person, I’m considering trying to meet in real life. However, I wouldn’t want to flirt with a woman while being dishonest about my intentions and my situation. How do you introduce the fact that you’re engaged without ruining the whole process? Telling the truth seems to doom the process.Therefore, I return the question to you: any advice on meeting open-minded lovers? Finding a Lover: Meeting People Pt.2 would be more than welcome!

  2.  

    Does anyone in your swinging community know about this blog? Hubs and I feel like we want to be able to provide our blog link to some that we’ve met in the community as a resource, but I’m a little hesitant to reveal our blog to a couple that we want to play with. Your thoughts?

    •  

      Hi there. I have kept my blog separate from my real life friends and acquaintances. I think it would affect my writing and make me less honest here if I was worried about who is reading.

    •  

      I am in the lifestyle and have a blog. I tell most couples about my blog. Most people like to see if they can help us have a “blog worthy” night with them. Some probably do get scared off, but that is okay with me. I look at it like this: my blog is my experiences, if you want me to write nice about you, then be nice. I always keep names out of my stories and faces out of pics, unless they say they don’t care.

      •  

        Karen, I like that attitude, but at the same time I feel that letting people know would hinder my honesty. I don’t know, maybe I’ll try it both ways with different couples and see how it goes.

  3.  

    Unfortunatly so many in the Lifestyle love the bring the drama that we all say we try to avoid. We try to stay away from them. I think the worst we have ever done was to warn our friends not to play with a particular couple, but that was only because the male half of that couple had a STD he was not talking about. I think it was justified.

    As for telling others about my blog, I generally don’t. A few friends know becasue I have asked them to contribute but that is about it.

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