Welcome to SabrinaSwings!

I am a happily married swinger in suburban Minneapolis. My husband and I have been married for 20+ years and exploring various aspects of consensual non-monogamy since the beginning. Sabrina Swings is the place where I share our experiences. The blog is part true erotic swinging stories, but mostly philosophical discussions of some of the lifestyle's most common questions. How do I get into swinging? How do I talk my spouse into swinging? How do I know if I should swing? Do swingers get jealous? How often do swingers have sex? Where can I find a swinging playmate? Hope you enjoy!

Same or Separate Rooms

 Posted by on 10 July 2010
Jul 102010
 

Swinging Styles Same Room or Separate RoomI assume that for some, the term swinging conjures up images of orgies.  Naked bodies everywhere ; fucking going on among all parties.  My husband and I have been to a house party where that happened.  At one point in the evening everybody moved to the bedroom and soon there were about 8 couples fucking around the room.  Some on the bed, some on the floor, and  one couple in a sex swing.  He and I were a little nervous, but we found a place together on the floor and had our fun together.

More often though, in our experience, swinging is about meeting another couple and actually swapping partners.  A question that comes about is this: same room or separate room swinging?  For many couples/people, the idea of 4 people on a bed together is  huge turn on and part of what makes the lifestyle fun and exciting for them.  They want to be able to fuck one partner while kissing another.  They want to be close to their husband or wife and be able to touch them, hold their hand, or make eye contact while having sex with someone else.  And those for whom bisexuality is part of the experience, the same bed playtime helps facilitate that as well.

Same room, separate beds, is more comfortable for us as a couple.  This works great in a hotel room because there are usually two beds.  It’s a true partner swap because we rarely end up doing anything together, we are just fucking in the same room.  There are pros and cons to this situation.  I love being able to hear and watch my husband with another woman.  I don’t find that I get jealous at all, but for some reason as I write this I feel some jealousy.  Isn’t that strange?  Thinking about it, talking about it, writing about it, I get a little funny feeling; but when I’ve actually been in the situation and had the opportunity to watch him, I’ve really enjoyed it.  I think there are a couple reasons for this.  Number one is that, in the scenario I am discussing, it’s not as though I am lying alone in the bed with nothing to do but watch.  Instead, I am either in the middle of enjoying another man or basking in the afterglow of an orgasm that he was able to give me.   In addition to that, when I watch my husband with another man’s wife, I think I am usually watching “her” more than him.  I like watching how she responds to his excellent oral skills.  Seeing her enjoy the same intense pleasure that I enjoy when I’m with him makes me feel really happy and incredibly lucky.

For all the opportunities it provides to increase the sensory stimuli or hearing and watching sex while having sex, same room swinging also has it’s drawbacks.  First and foremost, there are times that the stimuli can just be too distracting and rather than increase arousal, it can have the opposite effect.  It’s definitely NOT fun to watch your husband pleasure another woman while the guy you’re with goes limp.  Now I’m not saying that going limp automatically makes for an unsatisfying sexual experience.  I can create a whole other post about ways men can and have continued to please me even when their dick didn’t want to cooperate.  But if the guy you’re with doesn’t know how to handle the fact, it can be really unsatisfying as he either shuts down completely or tries to pretend that he doesn’t notice.  Having his wife and my husband in the next bed going at it with great success can be really annoying and not sexy at all.  I also think that same room sex discourages talking.  I like to talk to my sexual partners.  I like to say sexy things, naughty things, dirty things, normal things, silly things.  I am somewhat uncomfortable doing this when we are in the presence of another couple(s) and I think that diminishes the experience for me.  Perfect example, when a guy loses his hard on with me and we are alone, I can talk to him and let him know that I’m fine and tell him what I’d like him to do instead of fuck me.  I can find ways to quietly arouse him with no pressure.  A lot of times, that solves the problem and after a bit, we can be fucking like porn stars.  When his wife is in the next bed, I’m less comfortable just talking to the guy.  He might not want his wife/my husband to know that he’s having issues and I don’t want to cause embarrassment.   When we have same room sex with another couple, I tend to be quieter and less vocal about my pleasure.  I worry about everyone’s feelings.  Am I enjoying her husband too much?  Is it going to make her jealous?   Sometimes I might not be enjoying him at all, but I don’t want to “quit” because it might interrupt the fun being had in the next bed.  I worry that I might say or do something that will freak my husband out.   I think same room sex can create a lot of performance anxiety and that doesn’t generally make for great sex.

My husband and I probably feel most comfortable with separate room swinging which can happen a couple different ways.   It may happen simultaneously at a party where we are in the same house, but just in different rooms.   I really enjoy these experiences because I get the intimacy of one-on-one sex, but there is also the option to hear what’s happening elsewhere.   The one-on-one aspect allows me to fully enjoy my sexual partner on our own timeline.  We don’t have to compete or try to finish at the same time as the people in the room with us.  When we’re done, we’re done.  We can lie there in the bed and talk (yes, I may be sexually liberated, but I still like to talk after sex) or go out to the kitchen to get a drink, sit on the couch or go in the hot tub.  Whenever the other couple finishes, they can join us.  Same room sex can sometimes be awkward when one couple finishes first.    In many ways, simultaneous separate room sex can reap the benefits of same room sex while avoiding the cons.

Another type of separate room sex is completely separate dating.  This definitely isn’t for everyone, but it has worked well for my husband and I.    One reason is simply convenience.  We have 3 kids and when we date separately, we don’t need to find a babysitter.  I think it’s important to be at a place in your relationship where you are secure and very comfortable with this kind of playtime.  My husband and I have had really long talks about intimacy and feelings and our sexual explorations.  We are okay with the kind of intimacy created in separate dating, but it might be too much for some.  I know lots of couples prefer their swinging to be “just about the sex” and that’s a valid viewpoint.   I think separate dating might be too intimate for these types of couples?  I guess I’m not sure.  Just sort of an assumption on my part.   I could write about this so much more, but this is a blog and there will be more opportunity to discuss intimacy, sex, and swinging in other posts.  WordPress tells me I am at 1244 words, which may be more than anyone has time to read.

So……

Would love to have some discussion in the comments about your experiences and questions regarding same/separate room swinging.  I do moderate my comments to avoid spam, so be patient when you comment.  I check them everyday before and after work and will approve and respond as soon as I can.

Image Credit: nattavut / FreeDigitalPhotos

  10 Responses to “Same or Separate Rooms”

Comments (9) Pingbacks (1)
  1.  

    What an incredibly timely post! Coincidentally, I just finished posting on my blog about our first separate-room experience. (Of course, you were able to articulate the pros and cons much better than I.) For me (the male), I simply cannot “perform” with another woman if my wife is anywhere near me. I get overexcited (even though it doesn’t always manifest itself physically) and highly distracted by what my wife is doing on the other side of the bed/room to the point where I cannot relax and focus on the woman I’m with. It took several bad experiences before I figured this out.

    After much soul-searching and deep discussions, we decided to try our first separate-room experience last night, and the results were very good! And yet, still, there is a part of me that questions the wisdom in heading down this road. When we are swinging together, it is something we can enjoy together as a “team.” But when we’re swinging separately, it’s no longer about “us.” It’s about her or me, as individuals, enjoying sex with other people. It’s no longer an extension/enhancement of our sex life as a married couple — it becomes a replacement. And I think it may lead down a dangerous path that neither of us has any interest in traveling.

    There are so many benefits to same-room swapping. In addition to the ones you listed, there is a safety issue. If another guy starts getting rough with my wife, and I’m in the same room, I can put a stop to it. If he tries to do her without a condom, I can interrupt. I get a huge thrill being with different women, but I get an even bigger thrill seeing her with other guys. Like you, I love watching their reactions as she gives them the same treatment I get on a regular basis. And I love watching her get off. If we’re in separate rooms, it defeats the purpose for me.

    So basically, I have two options: 1) I can become one of those creepy guys who doesn’t swing with other women, but lets his wife swing with other guys, as long as I can watch, or 2) we can swing separately. Honestly, I’m still struggling with this. I would love nothing more than to be one of those guys who can perform with another couple in the same room, and I still hold out hope that I’ll get there eventually. But I’m not there yet, so I need to figure out where my comfort zone is. It’s definitely a work in progress.

  2.  

    Sabrina, I’ve probably reread this post a dozen times over the past couple of days, just because it’s on the top of my mind lately. I’m curious about something you wrote toward the end of your post. You stated that you and your husband are comfortable with the level of intimacy involved in separate dating. How “intimate” do you allow yourself to become on separate dates? At what point does it cross the line (if ever?) And how do you know when that line has been crossed, either by yourself or your husband?

    That’s the only thing that concerns me about separate dating, quite frankly. As long as this “hobby” of ours involves nothing but pure, physical, pleasureful sex, we’re both okay with it. But the line between physical and emotional intimacy is so thin (especially for women) that I can’t help but think we’re playing with fire by allowing ourselves to play separately. No amount of physical pleasure is worth sacrificing our marriage.

  3.  

    Joe,
    Thank you for your comments. I would like to address the questions you ask, but I think it will take more time than I have in a comment. You are right that no amount of physical pleasure is worth sacrificing your (or my) marriage. I will write a full post on intimacy and the conversations my husband and I have had surrounding this topic.

  4.  

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one that has those thoughts about being in the same room! We haven’t had same room yet, for anything, but in the back of my head I’m worried that maybe I’ll seem like maybe I’m enjoying it too much for my husbands comfort or maybe he might seem like he’s enjoying it too much for my comfort. People I have tried to explain that to give me a speech on how I’m not really comfortable doing it then and maybe it’s not for us?! I don’t agree with them at all. I/we are not jealous when we/I am playing. I’m comfortable thinking of him with someone else, it doesn’t bother me in the least bit. I’ve had conversations with the woman afterwards and I know the details and I’m fine with it but I guess it’s the “unknown” of the same room. The nervousness of the first time together doing something. We just tell each other, and agree, that the first time we do same room will be for soft swap. And at any point we are not comfortable, we can tell the other and we stop, adnd if the other couple has a problem with that then they aren’t for us. We know that this is for fun and a way to explore openly without worry that we are doing something wrong or hurtful to the other. I’m excited but nervous at the same time! We are just going to go as slow as we need and have fun!

  5.  

    Hello Newbie –
    I wanted to come back to this comment and thank you for sharing your thoughts. Also, I agree with you. Just because there is some discomfort and uncertainty doesn’t mean that swinging isn’t for you. It simply means that you have feelings about your husband, your marriage, and monogamy. That’s pretty damn normal. Monogamy is set as some kind of gold standard in our society and it makes sense that you might have some conflicted feelings as you begin to explore what non-monogamy might look like for you and your husband. Keep it fun, go at a pace that makes you comfortable, and be as honest as possible with each other throughout.

  6.  

    Separate rooms when we do swing. I feel like I’m competing if we can see each other and I would much prefer to just enjoy myself with the man than have to worry about my husband and his partner. However, if it is just me being intimate, then I don’t mind at all my husband watching.

    Natalie

  7.  

    Natalie – you described my feelings exactly! It seems that a lot of people still really want same room, so we sometimes compromise, but it’s never quite as satisfying as separate rooms.

  8.  

    Hubby and I like to do one couple (or threesome), then the other couple goes at it. Either hubby or I will fuck the appropriate part of the other couple while the others watch and engage in foreplay (or participate, if invited), then the other two have full-on Intercourse. It is a different feeling whether you go first or second. My husband much prefers to go second because watching me and another guy gets him really hot, pre-orgasm; afterwards not as much.

  9.  

    Hubby and I start together with the other couple for about a half hour to an hour of play, then separate. That way we get the excitement of watching our spouse being naughty (especially first penetration), but can then go off and do whatever we want without worry or distraction. And no concern for the one couple if the other copulating couple takes a lot longer.

    We have had some great swaps where we’ve all finished, gotten back together, and separated again.

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