Welcome to SabrinaSwings!

I am a happily married swinger in suburban Minneapolis. My husband and I have been married for 20+ years and exploring various aspects of consensual non-monogamy since the beginning. Sabrina Swings is the place where I share our experiences. The blog is part true erotic swinging stories, but mostly philosophical discussions of some of the lifestyle's most common questions. How do I get into swinging? How do I talk my spouse into swinging? How do I know if I should swing? Do swingers get jealous? How often do swingers have sex? Where can I find a swinging playmate? Hope you enjoy!

May 032013
 

I am honored to have so many people who read my blog, email me questions, and find inspiration here.  I recently received a very heartfelt question from a reader.  I’m so incredibly thankful that this person opened themselves up with this email!  It really made me remember the unique perspective I offer here and helped me become passionate again about providing this resource for people to navigate swinging not only as sexual exploration, but as an important part of their relationship as a whole.

The reader’s question is so great and multi-faceted, that I’ve decided to answer each portion in-line below.  Reader’s email is in black, my responses in red italics.   I know this is a bit long, but I’m hoping someone out there will find it helpful.   Just writing it helped me clarify again for myself what this space at www.sabrinaswings.com is all about!

XOXO – Now on to the reader’s question:

Q:  You seem to be living the “dream” lifestyle. A different partner whenever you and your partner feel like it.Its the secret ideal of basically every marriage.

Having a mutually respectful relationship that allows for non-monogamous fun with others is actually pretty dreamy when it works well.  It can also be quite a mess at times.  The interesting thing is that the more freedom I have to play with others, the less inclined I seem to be to take advantage of that freedom.  It might have something to do with the way that permission negates the appeal of “forbidden fruit” or it may that once you start having sex with other people, you realize that sex isn’t always as fun as it’s cracked up to be.  I’m not sure that swinging is the secret ideal of every marriage, but I do believe that the type of open communication required for a healthy non-monogamous marriage should definitely be the goal of all marriages, whether monogamous, monogam-ish, or non-monogamous.

Exciting, stimulating, tantalizing.

Those are three wonderful words to describe this lifestyle on its very best days! 

But, how do you disconnect your feelings to not feel angry or hurt when seeing your lover with someone else?  I would be furious (and that is an understatement).

I’m not sure disconnecting your feelings should be the goal.  At least for me, sex is about relationships, and relationships require feelings and getting to know people on a level beyond just rubbing naked parts together.  If the non-monogamous lifestyle is attractive to you, then it’s important to look within and determine what it is that you will gain from this type of experience.  What about the lifestyle appeals to you?  What part of YOU does it excite, stimulate, and tantalize.  Put aside your thoughts about what will happen when you see your lover with another, and just really truly focus on what you hope to experience and gain.  Once you have that figured out, you will slowly start to find ways to open your heart, mind, and soul to want that same freedom for the ones you love.  If you find something that enhances your life, and you have someone in your live who you love, then it’s not such a huge leap to want to share that some*thing* with that some*one*.

And what about the risk of that person to develop feelings for the new lover? Its quite risky.

Dear reader, you could be my soul sister.  Feelings are *quite* risky indeed!  What will happen if your lover develops feelings for another?  Well what will happen if you develop feelings for another?  Have you considered that?  See how I keep turning this back to you?  Do you believe that there is room in your life for more than one lover?  I think this insecurity could be paraphrased by most of us as: What if my partner likes their other lover more than me?  What if I get forgotten about?  Swinging is an exercise is self-care and personal growth.  Can you understand your own worth without needing it to be affirmed by someone who “only has eyes for you”?  When you can learn to love and respect a multitude of people for each of their unique individual selves, it becomes easier to trust others in your life to do the same.  What makes your relationship with him special and unlike any other?  That will not and cannot go away, no matter who else he meets, fucks, or loves.  That doesn’t mean that you won’t lose people about whom you care deeply.  It will happen, and it will hurt.  You have to be confident, not necessarily that your lover will never leave you, but that you will be okay if he does.  Then, just enjoy the relationship for where it’s at each day. 

I have seen several documentaries about couples who practice this and they all say that seeing their partner enjoying it makes them happy… That makes sense but .. I just don’t see how one can “not feel” at will.

Again, I don’t believe in “not feeling”.  Jealousy does rear it’s ugly head, and not even just once in a while.  But when it does, I try to step back and consider my own feelings.  For example, when I am out with a playmate, I feel so sexy and have so much fun.  I consider it a huge gift that my husband allows me to have that type of experience.  So when he is out, and I find myself feeling a bit lonesome or sorry for myself, I remember that I love him and want him to have all the best things in life, and swinging is a pretty damn great thing to have! 

This is soo attractive to me. I don’t have anyone at the moment, but I know myself and I know how hard it is for me to say no when a situation like this occurs, but if it were the other way around and I’d see my lover with someone, I don’t think Id handle it well.  I suppose I’m selfish.  The more I think of it the more I realize I am not made to have one single lover.. but at the same time I could not see my man with another woman without feeling angry and hurt.

Selfish is such a nasty word.  It’s a word often used to make women feel bad for taking care of their own needs.  You won’t know how you will feel until you actually experience it, but I think the most important first step is to figure out for yourself how your sexuality will be best expressed.  When you know that, you can share it with any new potential lovers and see if they will be a good fit for you.  Life opens up in a whole new way when you spend it deciding what you want to do, instead of what you want other people to stop doing.

Back to Sabrina!  Thank you for reading this far.  :-) I would love to know if this post hit home with anyone or hit a nerve.  Leave a comment below!

 

  41 Responses to “Reader Question: The Role of Feelings in the Swinging Lifestyle”

Comments (5) Pingbacks (36)
  1.  

    This post hits the mark of those with reservations about branching out from a monogamous relationship. I’ve tried many of the same conversation points with my wife in trying to branch out..she brought up the ‘this would mean getting intimate with someone else’ and ‘I would be way too jealous’ and ‘Am I not good enough for you’. The usual come backs. I think I’m comfortable enough with myself and our relationship and want to start the process of researching it with her “Exciting, stimulating, tantalizing” – but it takes two.

    I love your explanation about the feeling of what one gets out of the experience and how you would like to share that gift with the spouse. I feel he way way.

    I asked her to do some research on her own and to her credit she did some reading. I’ve been looking into this for years and only recently brought it up. We talked for about a month and in the end she couldn’t bring herself to even start the process.

    This did get the communication lines back open and now I’m not hesitant to express my feeling or moods – after all what else can one say that tops the lifestyle conversation?
    She has also become more open to communication and our sex life has benefited.

    I just wanted to share our conversations about the subject. I have a feeling this is how it plays out in many monogamous relations for one side or the other.

  2.  

    I’m glad you felt like the post hit the mark. I think it’s great that you were able to bring this up to your wife and allow her the space to look into it on her own.

    If your communication has been opened up and your sex life is improving, that’s perfect. Focus on making your wife the happiest sexual being she can be and you never know where her mind might wander while she’s having all that fun with you!

    For some people, just fantasizing about swinging can be enough.

    Thanks for reading and joining the conversation!

  3.  

    I love how you kept putting it back to self, that is where the focus should be, it seems. Not been in the lifestyle, but you were eloquent in your expressions of the emotions.

    •  

      Appreciate the compliment! Swinging (the Lifestyle) is just one type of relationship in which to express sexuality, but I think anyone in any relationship can benefit from looking within for their needs and desires.

  4.  

    I am in a relationship with a man that I love very much. He has been in the life style a very long time. He recently told me about it and that he can not see himself not being in the life style. I have gone to a few parties and I have had an ok time, we have played with another couple once. I did have a hard time seeing him with her. But my issue is that he has a coupe that he has played with for many years and insist that he will continue. The problem is the way I feel when she is around, he is way overly attentive to her and I really do not like it. It almost makes me feel like there is some underlying feelings there. I am not sure how he will react if I tell him we aren’t going to play with them. He has always said I call the shots but I don’t think it will be the case when it comes to this couple.

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