I recently received an email seeking advice on how it works to share your spouse with others. I will do my best to answer based on our own experience. First, here’s the question:
Hi there! I am the wifey in a loving beautiful marriage that has gone on for 14 years now. I want to let go of my boundaries with my husband so we can freely explore the way we want to. We have had experiences with different women together while we have been married but I have a slightly difficult time with jealousy- I really like my man and sometimes I don’t neccessarily want to share him. 😉 I’d love to hear about you guys, if you would like to share with another little wifey the “secrets” of being openminded and enjoying a healthy sex life together without the hang ups of any awkward feelings that may come. It is an awesome blessing to be married to my best friend and I want to give so many great experiences to him in our lifetime. Perhaps your insight can help me shed my inhibitions appropriately.
First of all, thanks to the writer of the question who allowed me to post her question to my blog. I don’t claim to know all the answers here, but I can provide my own experience and hopefully it can help others who are interested in pursuing a non-traditional sexuality in their marriage.
Anyone who describes their marriage as loving and beautiful is definitely in the right frame of mind to begin considering stretching the boundaries of monogamy within their relationship. Sharing your partner sexually with other people will shine a light on any insecurities or problems that are pre-existing in the relationship. Please don’t take this to mean that you need to wait until your marriage is perfect before beginning your explorations. No marriage is perfect! What you do need, however, is a willingness to examine these feelings as they crop up and have true, open, honest communication with your spouse. When we decided to take a more serious look at the lifestyle last year, it was important to me that any text message flirtations were saved on each of our phones and that we read them at the end of a day. I didn’t want any “secret” flirting going on that I wasn’t aware of, and I didn’t want to feel as though I was texting things to other men that I wouldn’t want my husband to see/read. So even on the days when he told me that I could delete the messages without him reading them, I’d ask him to please just read them anyway. It was a bit of a safety net for me.
I love the part of your email where you say that you really like your hubby and don’t necessarily want to share him. I have this exact same feeling. There are some couples in the lifestyle who get really turned on by the idea of their spouse fucking other people. For me, it’s never been about that. Instead, I enjoy the freedom to explore my sexuality with other partners and am willing to offer my husband that same freedom because I love him, but also because I am getting something in return. You don’t mention your sexuality in your email. I know that many women in the lifestyle are bi-sexual, but for me, threesomes with other women would never be a satisfying option for me in this lifestyle. I am 100% straight and enjoy men so much (both in and out of the bedroom). You say in your email that you want to “give so many great experiences” to your husband in your lifetime. I would encourage you to think of the lifestyle not as something you are giving to your husband, but an exciting adventure that the two of you are embarking upon. An adventure which both of you can and should get equal enjoyment from. Think about your own needs, wants, and desires and how the lifestyle might help you explore them. Then consider offering your husband the kind of freedom he needs to do the same.
Image courtesy of Anya Uribe at Deviant Art / Used with permission.