Welcome to SabrinaSwings!

I am a happily married swinger in suburban Minneapolis. My husband and I have been married for 20+ years and exploring various aspects of consensual non-monogamy since the beginning. Sabrina Swings is the place where I share our experiences. The blog is part true erotic swinging stories, but mostly philosophical discussions of some of the lifestyle's most common questions. How do I get into swinging? How do I talk my spouse into swinging? How do I know if I should swing? Do swingers get jealous? How often do swingers have sex? Where can I find a swinging playmate? Hope you enjoy!

Non-Monogamy by Nature or Nurture?

 Posted by on 24 July 2015
Jul 242015

I’m pondering this week:  Is non-monogamy an innate trait or a lifestyle choice?  Are we swingers by nature or nurture?  I think it’s probably a little of both for most of us.

I used to describe our swinging activity as a mutual hobby.  I’d joke that it was basically a sexier version of the bowling league or bridge club.  Something for my husband and I to enjoy together, but not really a relationship game-changer.  Somewhere along the line, things started to shift for us.

In the last 4-5 years, we have found ourselves getting more deeply involved with (some of) our playmates and identifying as a poly couple.   Is that simply a lifestyle choice, or are we settling into more of who we really are?

Non-monogamy entered our 23 year marriage almost right away.  My husband simply asked me one day if I’d be interested in a threesome.  It was a simple, matter of fact question.  Much the same way you might ask your wife if she’d be interested in playing a game of golf.

I don’t think I’ll ever know what went through his mind before asking me.  I don’t remember him being nervous, and I don’t remember flinching.  It was a simple exchange:  Him: Do you wanna?  Me: Yeah, sure.

So what does that say?  Does it mean that we are innately non-monogamous?  We, as in my husband and I.  Not “we” as a human race.  That’s a question for another blog and explored at length in the book Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan.

Monogamy is the go-to ideal.  We learn as little girls:  meet handsome prince and live happily ever after.  We are taught we will find our one-true love, our soulmate, our better-half.  We will be wholly fulfilled when we find “the one”

Poly presents a different ideal.  One person cannot fulfill you.  Fill your life with people who complement the different aspects of yourself.  You need a movie-going boyfriend, a hiking boyfriend, an opera boyfriend, a monster-truck rally boyfriend and a kinky bedroom boyfriend.

In one extreme we find the single person who will complete us. In the other, we come to the “evolved” realization that one person can’t fulfill all our needs.  So instead, we go about building relationships the way we build a Pokemon set.  Tearing open decks of cards, discarding the ones we already have, and hoping to find the one elusive card to “complete” our polyamory deck. april_and_friends_ii_by_anyauribe-d69tiyb

I’m not a big fan of this idea of finding holes in my life and searching out the appropriate partner to fill each one.  Instead I’d like to bring my whole self into every relationship.  Ideally, I’d be confident and secure in myself enough to let each relationship evolve into what it’s meant to be.  That may be sexual, or it may not.

So what about the swingers?  Those who are in it just for fun.  Sexy, naughty playtime and friendships.  No relationships and no feelings.  Honestly, sometimes I really miss the carefree easygoing fun of our early swinging days.  When it really was just all about the flirtation and the sex.  There wasn’t all this worry about creating relationships, dealing with jealousy, waiting for calls or texts.  

Luckily for me, I don’t think I have to choose.  Remember that part above about letting each relationship evolve as it will? That’s the essence of freedom. I can enjoy each encounter for exactly what it is.  Some turn into long lasting boyfriends, others are occasional FWB, and every so often we have a random one-time encounter that’s just about the sex.

What’s your experience?  Are you non-monogamous by nature or is it a choice?  How do you know?  Share in comments below or tweet your reply @SabrinaSwings

This blog post contains Amazon affiliate links to the book Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan.  By clicking these links to purchase the books recommended or any other Amazon products, you help support SabrinaSwings.com.  Thank you!!
Image by Anya Uribe at Deviant Art. Used by permission.

  2 Responses to “Non-Monogamy by Nature or Nurture?”

Comments (2)

    Yay! I’m so happy to read a post from you and hear about your evolution with the swinger to poly to hmmmm thing. I think I’m finding I naturally want a kind of secondary monogamy while there’s “new relationship energy” with someone I also feel romantic about (which for me can last a two or three years … and isn’t all about NRE, but establishing trust and security, which does make sex continue to evolve and improve too), but non-monogamous long-term. With poly I feel caught in a similar way to when I try to talk about and connect with others about spiritual issues; I want to use the word God, but it makes people assume I am like or unlike them in ways I’m not.

    I think what you’re saying is so true, that instead of trying to craft our relationships to fit a lifestyle or poly definitions or rules/structures other people made to try to help us all cope with being counter-culture, it really depends on where we’re at and the people we’re with and how we feel about each other.

    The pokemon analogy really rings true to me, too.

    (I deleted a bunch of stuff I was going to leave as comments, realizing I was trying to dump it here because I’m afraid to post it in my own blog hahaha)

    Ultimately I crave love and intimacy and a kind of romantic falling IN love — with super-charged hot sex — that none of the swinging or poly or even just plain non-monogamous words or cultures seem to have a pattern for. Or I just don’t want to get out their manual and follow their prescriptions (or I want to have relationships with people who don’t id as poly).

    I feel like it’s NATURAL to want to fuck a lot of people, it’s NATURAL to want one lifelong partner, and it’s NATURAL to want to have an intensely-focused falling-in-love bonding period where you mostly want to have sex with just that one person for a period of time (and experience that a number of times in a lifetime with different people).I feel like I’m wired for all of those things.

    What I’m not wired for: “filling my life with people” like the way you described poly people’s ideal. Embracing being an introvert needs to inform my relationships more than monogamy/non-monogamy, and is a big reason why even the word “poly” has gotten to make me just cringe into a ball of social inadequacy and renounce all of it as pure bullshit (and feel like a looser form of monogamy is actually closer to how I want to pattern my secondary relationships).

    Okay, see, I dumped a bunch. :/

    OPEN is still my favorite word for Delia’s and my relationship. But as I get older I’m understanding I very much need to have boundaries and not be open to EVERY FUCKING THING other people want or need. FREEDOM is the word you used; that’s the good stuff.

    (I really admire how your blogging is so concise yet intimate, and you don’t need to capitalize words for emphasis the way I’m compelled to do ;).


    and I only just now realized it’s not even a brand new post!! POKEMON GO!!!! I love it!!

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