I’m pondering this week: Is non-monogamy an innate trait or a lifestyle choice? Are we swingers by nature or nurture? I think it’s probably a little of both for most of us.
I used to describe our swinging activity as a mutual hobby. I’d joke that it was basically a sexier version of the bowling league or bridge club. Something for my husband and I to enjoy together, but not really a relationship game-changer. Somewhere along the line, things started to shift for us.
In the last 4-5 years, we have found ourselves getting more deeply involved with (some of) our playmates and identifying as a poly couple. Is that simply a lifestyle choice, or are we settling into more of who we really are?
Non-monogamy entered our 23 year marriage almost right away. My husband simply asked me one day if I’d be interested in a threesome. It was a simple, matter of fact question. Much the same way you might ask your wife if she’d be interested in playing a game of golf.
I don’t think I’ll ever know what went through his mind before asking me. I don’t remember him being nervous, and I don’t remember flinching. It was a simple exchange: Him: Do you wanna? Me: Yeah, sure.
So what does that say? Does it mean that we are innately non-monogamous? We, as in my husband and I. Not “we” as a human race. That’s a question for another blog and explored at length in the book Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan.
Monogamy is the go-to ideal. We learn as little girls: meet handsome prince and live happily ever after. We are taught we will find our one-true love, our soulmate, our better-half. We will be wholly fulfilled when we find “the one”
Poly presents a different ideal. One person cannot fulfill you. Fill your life with people who complement the different aspects of yourself. You need a movie-going boyfriend, a hiking boyfriend, an opera boyfriend, a monster-truck rally boyfriend and a kinky bedroom boyfriend.
In one extreme we find the single person who will complete us. In the other, we come to the “evolved” realization that one person can’t fulfill all our needs. So instead, we go about building relationships the way we build a Pokemon set. Tearing open decks of cards, discarding the ones we already have, and hoping to find the one elusive card to “complete” our polyamory deck.
I’m not a big fan of this idea of finding holes in my life and searching out the appropriate partner to fill each one. Instead I’d like to bring my whole self into every relationship. Ideally, I’d be confident and secure in myself enough to let each relationship evolve into what it’s meant to be. That may be sexual, or it may not.
So what about the swingers? Those who are in it just for fun. Sexy, naughty playtime and friendships. No relationships and no feelings. Honestly, sometimes I really miss the carefree easygoing fun of our early swinging days. When it really was just all about the flirtation and the sex. There wasn’t all this worry about creating relationships, dealing with jealousy, waiting for calls or texts.
Luckily for me, I don’t think I have to choose. Remember that part above about letting each relationship evolve as it will? That’s the essence of freedom. I can enjoy each encounter for exactly what it is. Some turn into long lasting boyfriends, others are occasional FWB, and every so often we have a random one-time encounter that’s just about the sex.
What’s your experience? Are you non-monogamous by nature or is it a choice? How do you know? Share in comments below or tweet your reply @SabrinaSwingsThis blog post contains Amazon affiliate links to the book Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan. By clicking these links to purchase the books recommended or any other Amazon products, you help support SabrinaSwings.com. Thank you!! Image by Anya Uribe at Deviant Art. Used by permission.