Welcome to SabrinaSwings!

I am a happily married swinger in suburban Minneapolis. My husband and I have been married for 20+ years and exploring various aspects of consensual non-monogamy since the beginning. Sabrina Swings is the place where I share our experiences. The blog is part true erotic swinging stories, but mostly philosophical discussions of some of the lifestyle's most common questions. How do I get into swinging? How do I talk my spouse into swinging? How do I know if I should swing? Do swingers get jealous? How often do swingers have sex? Where can I find a swinging playmate? Hope you enjoy!

How to Use My Hall Pass?

 Posted by on 2 December 2012
Dec 022012
 

How to Use my Hallpass by Sabrina SwingsHall Pass is a term that swingers use for playing alone with their spouse’s permission.  Not all swinging couples allow hall passes and not every couple who allows hall passes uses them in the same way.  This post is in response to a recent email that I received from a married man.  He had emailed me a few months ago asking me for information on finding local swingers online.  I directed him to two sites.

He responded again a few days ago and told me that his situation had changed somewhat.  He and his wife had started talking about swinging, but have decided not to proceed at this time.  Then he went on to say this:

Q: I think the couple part will come, it’ll just be awhile.  But she has given me a hall pass (yay!), but I have had some trouble actually meeting up with anyone.  Do you have any tips for that?

With the reader’s permission, I’m sharing my answer here as part of a larger discussion on hall passes in the lifestyle.First, I’ll answer his question specifically, then read on for a more broad discussion of hall passes in general.

A: I strongly suspect that it’s in your best interest to avoid taking advantage of the hall pass that your wife gave to you.  I have nothing against hall passes at all.  My husband and I both have hall passes.  I’ve played with plenty of married men on their hall passes.  So, knowing that, how can I defend my answer?  Let me explain.  The first email you sent me last summer was a version of the most popular question I receive:  How do I talk my wife into swinging?  One day I will craft my analysis and response to that famous question.  In the meantime, we now have a situation where the reader and his wife probably discussed the possibility,  she decided she wasn’t ready, he kept asking, and she finally said, if you want to play without me, that’s fine.  As a married woman in the lifestyle, I wouldn’t touch that scenario with a 10 foot pole.  First of all, it’s not in the true spirit of swinging and it’s likely to result in a whole ton of drama.  I highly doubt this reader will find many willing partners in the swinging scene.  It’s possible that I’ve misread the situation and the two of them are excitedly talking about the possibilities.  Perhaps his wife is aroused by the idea and can’t wait to have him come back home and share all the naughty details.  If the reader AND his wife both want him to find an extra-curricular partner, then I think there are some ways to make that happen for them.  I’ll discuss options at the end of this article.

Reasons couples choose Hall Passes

Hall passes generally come later in the evolution of a non-monogamous relationship.  Couples new to swinging almost always start out saying that they intend to only play as a couple.  They get excited about finding the perfect couple and sometimes will find a compatible couple early on.   If the couple continues for any length of time in the lifestyle, they are likely to run into several couples where there just isn’t a mutual 4-way attraction.  Sometimes the wife is a deal breaker, sometimes it’s the husband.  Smart swinging couples play within a certain set of rules.  One of the most “popular” rules of swinging is: “Don’t take one for the team.”  I think it’s a very important rule that helps ensure swinging continues to be a fun, sexy, exciting endeavor for all parties.  But what should a couple do if they cannot find a compatible 4-way match?  Time to consider the hall pass.  Hall passes allow for each half of a couple to pursue partners with whom they share strong chemistry without worry about ensuring their partners also share said chemistry.

Benefits of Hall Passes

When my husband and I opened up to the idea of hall passes, we saw so many benefits, some we expected, others were surprises.  Here are just a few.

  • We both got to finally fuck some of those friends who we had been lusting after!  My husband had been flirting with a busty red-head for 3 years before he finally got to play with her and he had fun!
  • Scheduling suddenly became much simpler.  We only had to coordinate two people instead of four.
  • Thanks to the first two benefits, we both had a lot more sex!  Yay for sex!
  • Personally, I was able to focus more on my own pleasure during my sexual encounters.  I’m not sure if this is also true for my husband, because we haven’t discussed it.  When playing as a foursome, there can be some natural pressure or tension.  Is he having fun?  Am I having too much fun?  Are we taking too long?  What’s taking them so long?  She doesn’t make that noise with me?  Does she do that to him better than I do?  Solo dates don’t completely erradicate the doubts and insecurities, but it makes them much less in-your-face.
  • Our social circle expanded!

How to use your Hall Pass

So let’s say you have a hall pass and you want to use it, how do you find willing partners?  Hopefully, you are already active with a group of local swingers that you’ve met through a site like Kasidie or Lifestyle Lounge.  These sites allow you to tag your profile to let others know that you have permission to play alone.  Please don ‘t join these sites if you are a single guy looking to get a quick one-night-stand.  Honestly, you’ll have better luck with Craigslist.  Women in the lifestyle do play with single men and we play with married men who have full permission from their wives to play with us.  Like I told the reader in the Q&A, if I’m at all hesitant about your wife’s comfort level with your hall pass, I won’t even consider playing with you.  The best hall pass connections happen organically.  I see my husband flirting with someone, I can sense the chemistry, and I whisper in her ear that the two of them should get a room.  I walk through a crowded room, and a man catches my eye, gives me a lingering touch (not on my boob!) and there is an electricity there.  He’s either single or married, but because I have a hall pass, I can let him know that I’d love to take it further.  Just like anyone looking for any kind of partner, get to know people.  Lots of people.  Don’t assume you’re going to have sex with everyone you meet or talk to.  Swingers like to have sex, but we like to have sex with people who excite us.  That won’t happen 100% of the time.  Heck, that’ probably won’t even happen 75% of the time.  Hall passes are a special gift that couples give to each other and most of us use them pretty carefully and under specific circumstances.

Follow up to the reader’s question

Back to our reader.  If I’m making incorrect assumptions about your situation, I apologize.  Based on our limited email exchange, it seems that your wife is giving you a hall pass simply to get you to stop asking her to become a swinger with you.  If this is the case, stop!  Don’t take advantage of her offer.  Instead, turn your focus to her.  Make yourself the sexiest husband possible.  Eat right, exercise, help around the house, shave, smell nice, dress up a little bit even just to hang out around the house.   Make some plans for the two of you to go out – see a movie, listen to some live music, go dancing, go to an art gallery, take a walk.  Light some candles at night.  Focus yourself on making her the most happily married woman on the planet.  Fantasize with her!  Read sexy stories to her in bed.  Look at sexy photos together.  Let HER tell you what she finds sexy and enjoy it with her.  Tell her how much you appreciate the hall pass offer, but that you’ve decided you don’t want to swing without her.  The idea is on the table, if she changes her mind, she’ll let you know.  Don’t ask her again.  Simply focus on making her feel as sexy and appreciated as possible.  Assume she’s never going to change her mind.  If she does, great!  If she doesn’t, who cares?  You will have a wonderful, sexy relationship with your wife.

If I have misconstrued, and your wife was excited and horny when she issued your hall pass, then by all means, the two of you should explore options together as a couple.  Join one of the swinger sites, browse profiles together, let her pick out a woman she wants you to fuck.  Go out to events together and enjoy the sexy atmosphere as a couple.   Meet other swingers together, as a couple.  Explain how the two of you are navigating the lifestyle.  When people know you and your wife, they will be much more likely to play with you!  If your wife doesn’t want to do these things with you, then guess what, she doesn’t want you doing them alone, no matter what she says about your hall pass.

Image Credit: Anya Uribe / Deviant Art – Used by Permission

Kasidie.com... Plays Well With Others.

  6 Responses to “How to Use My Hall Pass?”

Comments (6)
  1.  

    Hello Sabrina, I’d like to say thank you for the in depth response to that fellas inquiry about Hall Passes. I’m also married and have been “slowly” trying to talk to my wife about “slowly’ getting into the lifestyle. She’s not ready and I don’t think she will ever be..it’s OK! I did a lot of the things your suggested..got very romantic and we are having a resurgence of sorts..it’s awesome. Communicate with your spouse – who know where it will lead.

    •  

      Bill,
      Thank you so much for the comment! Communication is key. In fact, I received an update from the reader who said that he and his wife read my response together and are continuing their discussion to figure out where they are going. Happy to hear about your resurgence.

  2.  

    I agree wholeheartedly with your analysis and will forever be directing people asking me similar questions here, as you put things ever so more simply and directly than I think I could.

    Mrs. AP and I don’t swing, per se. We’re mostly fine with some public exhibitionism at the local club if the crowd is right, but she’s incredibly selective about who’s in the crowd. We’ve gone round and round that point multiple times, and I’m quite clear on it; she doesn’t want the casual, just for the sake of the physical connection with somebody. She needs the emotional element; she needs to care about her partner, no matter how pretty he may be.

    As such, our searching process takes longer. We establish a rapport with the single guy we’re looking for (or married with a hall pass if he proves himself interesting, which has almost happened a few times) and let things develop to the point where we’re all comfortable meeting in public together. We take our time and ensure the connection is more than just physical. Yes, it’s more of a Polyamorous approach to swinging, something I rather call Poly Dating, but it works for us, keeps her comfortable, and we still get some damn hot sex in the end.

    There is the chance that someday that may evolve to a more casual swinging approach, but if it doesn’t, that’s fine. I’ve got an amazing partner in her, and we may someday find an amazing long-term boyfriend for us both. I can’t complain about any of that.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

    •  

      Thank you so much for the compliment on this post! It sounds as though you and your wife have an arrangement that works well for both of you. Whether you call it swinging, poly dating, or something else doesn’t really matter. I love the term swinging, but also prefer more of a relationship building approach. I’ve very rarely had the kind of anonymous, casual sex usually conjured up by the term swinging.

      Thank you for reading!

  3.  

    Love the response to one of your top questions. Our situation was a little different as I was the one to introduce the thought of the lifestyle to our relationship, but my husband quickly jumped on board. We too started out with all the normal rules – no hall pass being one of them. Didn’t see a need for it, but the reasons that you mentioned above – four-way attraction being the main reason – is why we have opted for select hall passes going forward.

  4.  

    I want to know more about how you do separate dating. My husband is not too much into the swinging, and once in a while he will scout online for men to satisfy me.

    When you do separate dating do you meet the guys at their place or at a hotel? what do you tell your husband?

    I have two lovers who are married and with kids ( I am married and with kids). I met one of them alone and my husband was livid that I called him home when he was not there. DO I call them home when hes there and take him to a different bedroom to make love? He is not interested in a threesome. I am so confused.

Leave a Reply to Bill McHale Cancel reply

(required)

(required)