Welcome to SabrinaSwings!

I am a happily married swinger in suburban Minneapolis. My husband and I have been married for 20+ years and exploring various aspects of consensual non-monogamy since the beginning. Sabrina Swings is the place where I share our experiences. The blog is part true erotic swinging stories, but mostly philosophical discussions of some of the lifestyle's most common questions. How do I get into swinging? How do I talk my spouse into swinging? How do I know if I should swing? Do swingers get jealous? How often do swingers have sex? Where can I find a swinging playmate? Hope you enjoy!

Can Swingers Be Happily Married? Long Term?

 Posted by on 24 January 2012
Jan 242012
 

Can Swingers Be Happily Married Long Term? by Sabrina SwingsLately, we’ve been hearing a lot about lifestyle break-ups and divorces.  It seems that some of the couples we used to know aren’t faring so well.  We’ve been out of the loop for a bit and haven’t been privy to rumors and drama.  We find ourselves browsing profiles and realizing that the couple we used to know are now playing separately as singles.  It makes us sad.  I hate the implication that swinging may have somehow been responsible for the split.  My husband and I just celebrated our 20th anniversary.  We’ve certainly had our ups and downs, both in swinging and outside of it.  We began experimenting with inviting other players to the bedroom almost from the very start.  So how have we nurtured our relationship (and our sanity) while exploring non-monogamy?  I’ll share some ideas below.  I’m not sure if my husband would agree or if he would have his own list.

We Were Both Intrigued

Early in our marriage, my husband had found an ad in the City Pages for a Swingers Halloween party.  When he brought the idea up to me, I was intrigued.  This wasn’t his idea, but a fantasy that we both found intriguing.  How did he know that I might be open to the idea of attending a swinger party?  Because he had taken time to understand who I was sexually.  One of the most common themes that bring people to this blog is some variation of the question, “How do I talk my wife, husband, or partner into swinging?”  My advice is to take about 20 steps back and ask yourself a new question, “How can I understand what genuinely turns my partner on, sexually?”  Learn to enjoy each other in every way possible.  Sex between the two of you should be an exploration in fun, excitement, and familiarity.  Once your sex is amazing, try exploring some fantasy talk during sex.  What happens when you tell your wife that you love watching her perform oral sex?  Does she get turned on and work harder to give you good view?  Or does she get shy and ask you not to watch her so intently?  How does your wife respond when you ask her if she likes how you are touching or kissing her?  Does she moan with an intensity that says unmistakably, yes?  Does she shift her position in an attempt to coax you into doing something slightly different?  Pay attention to her cues and respond accordingly.  Learn how to turn her on.  Find out what her fantasies are.  I think almost every woman longs to feel desired.  If you can tap into the deep sexuality that exists in her psyche, perhaps you will find out that she is intrigued.  But let her find out for herself before you start trying to convince her.

We Allow Our Definitions to Shift

My husband and I have a fluid definition of The Lifestyle.  We don’t limit ourselves to a single understanding of what it means to be swingers.  Early on, we had a couple threesome experiences with close friends.  When we got on AOL in the mid-90’s, we spent some time flirting with couples in chatrooms.  We even took a road trip to hang out with a couple over the weekend.  It was a purely soft-swap experience.  I have fond memories of cuddling together as a threesome/foursome in the hotel bed one morning.  I’m not even sure if there was any oral sex between partners, just flirting, kissing, and nakedness.  We’ve been to house parties, hotel parties, on-premise clubs, and casual bar meets.  In 2008, we joined an online community and began attending local events.  We decided that we only wanted to play with couples.  After about a year or so, we expanded to separate play dates.  Swinging can be whatever you want it to be. Don’t worry that you don’t fit some preconceived notion of what being a swinger is all about.  Make your own rules,  play by them for a while.  Then decide if you like them or want to change them.

We Honestly Assess the Good and the Bad

Things don’t always go according to plan.  We want our experiences to be sexually satisfying and emotionally gratifying.  When we leave the party, we want to come home madly in love with each other and glowing with pleasure.  Sure, it happens.  And when it does…..WOW!  But just try hitting that jackpot twice; It’s not so easy.  If you truly want to make it in this Lifestyle, you must be willing to honestly assess the good and bad.  When there is friction after a party, discuss it.  When your partner asks you what’s wrong, don’t say “nothing” or “I’m fine.”  Just honestly express what’s going on.  Are you disappointed about something?  Did you feel left out?  Did something surprise you?  Are you hurt?  Are you afraid?  When your partner explains how they feel, take a moment to process their statement before you react.  Remember you love this person!  Something upset them, and it may even be something you did.  If you didn’t intentionally hurt them, then apologize and consider how you might change your actions next time.  Also, don’t just talk when things are difficult.  Take time to assess the good times too.  What made it work?  Can you figure out how to increase your chances of having that much fun the next time too?  My husband and I sometimes come to the realization that what we “think” we like and what we actually like are not always the same thing.

We Don’t Feel the Need to Rush

The great thing about being with someone you love is that you have all the time in the world.  My husband and I have been in the Lifestyle “off and on” for 20 years.  Some of our breaks have lasted years at a time.  Taking a break has never been something that we “consciously” decided to do, but rather the energy in our relationship shifted and it became clear that outside sexual relationships weren’t the right thing for the moment.  No need to worry that we’d never get to swing again.  We just respected each other and our relationship enough to know that we could spend time together without constant pressure to “decide” if we were “quitting” the Lifestyle or for how long.  During our most recent “break”, my husband would sometimes say to me that if I wanted to be done, we could be done.  I explained to him that I just wasn’t ready “now” but that I was still open to the idea “someday.”  He continued to play during that time, and very often would check in with me.  He also admitted that he was sometimes uncomfortable playing if I wasn’t.  I let him decide for himself based on my honest feedback. One day, I found myself ready to get out again. I’m not sure why the shift occurred, but it did, and I suspect it came about much sooner than it would have if my husband had constantly been asking me if I was “ready yet?”

Swinging can be an exhilarating experience.  It requires sincerity, honesty, vulnerability, strength, forgiveness, and patience.  It allows for a deepened understanding of love, commitment, and selflessness.  I sometimes wonder if it’s easier to stay married longer because we’re willing to allow for non-monogamy.  Are we somehow lazier than monogamous couples?  I really don’t think so.  When I consider the level of communication required to maintain this Lifestyle, I realize that we aren’t lazier or less committed.  In fact, by committing to our relationship on the deepest, most permanent level, while allowing for sexual expression outside of each other, we are given a unique opportunity to experience a level of trust and connection that is unparalleled by many.

Image Credit: Simon Howden / Free Digital Photos

  26 Responses to “Can Swingers Be Happily Married? Long Term?”

Comments (18) Pingbacks (8)
  1.  

    Thanks for this post. It was very informative, thoughtful, and important for folks to know. <3

  2.  

    Thanks for this post. I hate how people imagine that polyamory, or swinging, or monogamish-ness, or non-monogamy, “can’t” work. Saying something as simple as that is as wrong, or wronger, than saying “monogamy can’t work.”

    You do a good job of showing the complexity, and richness, available to people who seek alternative paths. It’s not necessarily easy, or better, but it is different, and, just like conventional monogamy, some people will find it suits them, others won’t. But just like conventional monogamy, if a relationship breaks apart, it won’t be because the couple swung – it’ll be because the couple decided not to stay together.

  3.  

    Great post! My Miguel and I have been swinging right from the start of our relationship as well. I can relate to your story, and like you, right from the beginning, we were both really intrigued. This is great advice for any swinging couple. I am happy to know my readers will find it easily in this month’s e[lust] edition.

  4.  

    Great advice. My husband and I (together 9.5 years, married almost 7) have recently started to discuss this as a new experience available to us. I’m hoping to plan a ffm threesome for him for his birthday (late March), as he has never had one. Actually, tonight, he mentioned that if it worked well, maybe we could make it a relatively (anywhere from a few times a year to once a month) frequent experience… Let me just say, in the simplest of terms, that really excited me. And, haphazardly stumbling upon this site tonight, just confirms that it may be the next step in our relationship…

    Thank you.

    •  

      This isn’t exactly what you’re looking for, but Dirty Minds is a popular adult game. It’s a game of clues that sound naughty but all the answers are actually innocent. The same company makes a game called Sexy Secrets where players confess their intimate secrets, and the other players have to guess if they’re telling the truth or making it up. Was this answer helpful?

  5.  

    Excellent post – you’ve captured both the rich experience that can come for swinging couples and some very important tips for how to keep the experience exciting and rewarding, so that it continues to feed back into your primary relationship. Well done.

  6.  

    Anything can work if you are willing to communicate and to commit to the other party. We all make mistakes. Some folks think that making mistakes is a failure. Some people realize that making mistakes is what life takes. Risk nothing, gain nothing. Risk truth and gain the world. Love on!

  7.  

    I would say the most important thing any two people can do to establish if swinging is for them is to…., communicate with one another. Yes, believe it or not people just don’t communicate with each other. If two people sit down and actually go over their expectations, desires, boundaries, intent and resolve, there would be many less misunderstandings and break ups because of it.

    Swingers clubs in my opinion are probably the worst place to start your orientation into the Lifestyle. I have found that a swingers friendly vacation or resort where clothing is optional seems to be the most invasive way to acquaint yourself to the lifestyle with no pressure at all. Just an opinion from someone who’s been there and done that.

  8.  

    You hit the nail on the head, we read your post and stared look for like minded people and found that it was harder we thought. Craigslist was not very helpful we found that the people that posted on it were not of the sort we wanted to be with to be PC. After searching we found the best sight ever and can say it was wort it.

    http://swingingswinging.swingingbuddies.com/

    Again thank you for your post

  9.  

    Overall we find from our surveys that swingers are happier. http://www.swingersocial.com/the-swinger-blog/swingers-have-better-sex-than-you/ is an article we wrote based on what we’ve learned.

    I’m on a break now too. I’ll be back but I am part of a triad and my couple had to go over seas. Although I could swing alone, I just don’t want to. Keep writing good things!

  10.  

    I was very happy to seek out this web-site. Thank you for your time and effort with this wonderful read!! I certainly enjoying it and I’ve you bookmarked to have a look at new stuff you blog post.

    Am I able To just say what a relief to uncover somebody who actually knows what they’re talking about on the net.

  11.  

    I’ve been married to the same man over 25-years and if anything, the swinging lifestyle has done nothing but make our marriage stronger. I have to admit though that when we first started I was a bit afraid that I could lose my husband, and almost didn’t participate in my first sexual encounter with another man. I’m so glad that I did now.

  12.  

    I wholeheartedly agree with everything you write about. I think that swinging weeds out those insecurities in our society that are bound to rear their ugly heads at some point later in life. In fact, I believe that only couples whom are very connected to each other and have a very good communication between them are able to successfully swing — and by ‘successfully’ I mean with no regrets and psychological issues thereafter.
    Since we humans were not hard wired to be monogamous, I think that a swinging lifestyle is a break free from the ethical rules imposed on our society by various religions and/or groups whom believe what they think is right should be right for everyone. Ironically, these moralists are the probably the ones with the most drama in their lives about cheating on their spouses and being cheated at the same time.

  13.  

    My wife and I have been married for 15 years. Anyone that knows us would say we’re deeply in love and a great couple. We have been best friends and passionately in love for a long time. We had a bumpy bit around 8 years with some infidelity, but with some counseling and hard work we’ve been in a really great place for about 5 years.

    About a year ago, my wife, who is a limit pusher, approached me about swinging. We did our homework and started setting some guidelines for how we should approach this. We decided after some discussion that if this is an extension of our bedroom play, like adding toys or role play would be, we can do this safely without harming our relationship.

    We met some couples and worked through some of the weird feelings that come from seeing your spouse with someone else, but generally started figuring it out. After a few experiences we found that we really just wanted FWB, i.e. some good friends that we enjoy hanging out with, but occasionally play with. The idea was that they would be in a healthy marriages, as is ours, and that we would have a little adult fun along the way.

    Well we met a couple that is into Poly and things have gone sour from my perspective. My wife is in love with the man and also with the woman. They have this love triangle thing going and I don’t enjoy being around them at all. They’re really not my type of people and the boundaries of this being an extension of our bedroom play is out the window. Having my wife fall in love with other people is not what I signed up for.

    Now she really doesn’t want to be with other people and just wants her love affair. I told her I don’t like it and that it makes me feel bad. I told her that I won’t force her to choose, but that I wanted her to know where I’m at.

    She has chosen to pursue this love relationship despite how it makes me feel. I love her very much and don’t feel like forcing her is getting what I want from her. I want her to choose me because she wants to. I want her to love me and me only because she wants to. She’s not in that place.

    Right now, I will continue to love her, regardless of how this makes me feel, but I’m concerned that over time I will just stop caring. I’ve put her first in our lives over and over and over again. She rarely every reciprocates that choice.

    As far as I’m concerned, I don’t care whether we continue or stop the lifestyle stuff. The physical fun with other consenting adults is fun, but not if it’s messing with the long term health of our marriage.

    I’ve been trying to tell my wife to look for another couple who seems to really have a wonderful marriage, good family life, not be on their 2nd or 3rd marriage, and is making this lifestyle stuff work. We can’t find a single example in anyone we’ve met. This is a sign to me that this may be an illusion and that this is a slow (or fast) marriage killer.

    Anyways, I’m at a loss right now. I have not a single friend that I feel I could talk to about this, so I’m going to the WWW to see what I can figure out there.

  14.  

    I’m sorry but been in the lifestyle for 20 years and couples will it last long term. They never do. It’s a bad idea if you love your partner because sooner or later either feelings develop or infidelity. I don’t know one couple that has made it long term in this lifestyle!

  15.  

    Great article. But think of all the couple’s not in the lifestyle that are splitting up as well. You really sound like you and your husband have what it takes to go the long haul. You are open, honest, respectful, selfless, and communicative like an amazing relationship needs to be in any ones lifestyle. Congratulations on finding your paramour. I’m newer to this and I really appreciate your article and how honest and real you are. I know I’m just a regular person with very sexual wants and desires, it doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m happier than I’ve been in my life in the lifestyle. But I know there will be ebb n flow as there is with anything. Yty again for posting this.

    •  

      Thank you for your comment. It’s true that I am very lucky to have the primary relationship that I do. Part of what has kept us strong through all these years is working on ourselves individually. Getting clear on our own needs, wants, and desires makes us better partners. Then that healthy relationship has better opportunity for success when opening up.

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